Walking on.

My life is changing at the speed of light. Blink and another change. I've spent a month temping in the most amazing office. I've laughed more than I have in a very long time. I've made friends more easily than I ever have, they've totally accepted me for who I am and been just thoroughly lovely. They were thrilled for me when I announced I got my permanent job, which I start a week on Monday. I am really going to miss them.

I've started a Uni course, that runs all day on a Saturday. More new people, there are 8 of us including me on the course and we are just getting to know each other. Closer to a couple of them which is nice. Being open and just myself. 

Note the theme? I'm not trying too hard, or changing who I am to try to make people like me or to be what they want me to be. I am not sitting there conscious of my labels and what are they thinking and will they like me and what if, what if, what if. 

But the questions I keep coming back to are, who am I and is who am I ok to be? Having had some interviews  recently I have faced the question - tell me about yourself. On my old blog I wrote a piece about me and my labels. But I don't know which of those apply anymore. I will always be a survivor. I will always have to manage PTSD. I will always be a teacher, whether I'm teaching or not. Who I am in the moment is more fluid. Acceptance and love and really important to me and I've searched for it all of my adult life. Love me, love my labels. However, I've felt the need to hide behind a mask, a persona that was never really me and it was miserable. I was so scared of being abandoned, even by people who've used me and abused me, because being alone is the most frightening thing and yet paradoxically it's the only time I feel safe. I have as little alone time at the moment that I've ever had and it's hard. I'm feeling under pressure and typically that is when it all starts to fall apart. I'm not always very good at recognising impending meltdown. Sometimes it happens very quickly and I am aware that this many new things is a possible stumble. I am excited and nervous and I keep telling myself anyone would be, but when you have mental health issues you can't afford to be complacent. This has been one of the toughest years of my life. I cannot go back to the pit of darkness that I lived in this year. So I am wary but also happy. It's a see-saw.

Stick with me as I move forward please? I need all of you to be real with and for you to be honest with me and give me a kick and a cuddle when I need them. I trust you and I need you.